I walked away several times in my 8 years of marriage. I was determined to make it work. I was invested. Truth be told, after 2 years in, I knew I was in the wrong place.
I will never forget when I realized how much of a mess I was really in. I was at my mother’s house and she was talking to a relative of ours explaining how a good friend of hers was about to get married. Needless to say, the lady did not have her friend’s best interest at heart. She was out to get hers and everything she said I could relate to. It was as if her friend was living my life and not only that, but was marrying her that very same day.
I had never felt the need to tell someone not to get married till this particular day. My heart raced and I just felt sick for her friend and myself. Although at this point, I felt as though I was in too deep and he still had a way out. I wrestled with so many thoughts that day.
However, I trudged through and pressed on. Walking away, only to return several times to my own mess. I walked away when he cursed me out for buying him one of his favorite candies when he was on a diet. I thought I was being nice and treating him to a little something. He threw them at me. Another time, he threatened to kill himself, me and our child as he jacked me up because he was angry with me about something we were discussing. One day we actually sat down to try to work things out over dinner as a family member mediated. We discussed counseling amongst other things which he refused and only wanted things done on his terms. I got up from the table, realizing the conversation was going nowhere, and walked out of the restaurant. I called a relative of mine to come get me. Did I mention I was at least 5 months pregnant with our second child, at the time?! He didn’t even come after me. When he finally got home, he never apologized or anything.
You would think I would have had enough and walked away for good. I didn’t. I wanted to try to save my marriage.
In retrospect, and even then I knew I should have walked away and never returned. This is why I can confidently tell you to walk away and never look back, because I lived it. I offered suggestions on my last post showing you what I discovered to help me.
Chile, I walked away so many times it was ridiculous! This one other time, he was angry and yelling at me for being on my phone. He said I was being sneaky. I got scared as he was yelling so I called my pastor to be a witness as to what was heard. He chased me up the stairs and held me against my will as I tried to leave through the back door. My child was watching me trying to break free as I was holding the phone screaming. He let me go and held my child away from me so I wouldn’t leave. I ran around the block trying to get to my car crying. A neighbor looked on and yelled from her porch that she knew my look of panic all to well and told me to be safe. I cried even harder. I got to the car and made arrangements to stay in a hotel. It was such a hard night. I wanted my child with me. It was painful. Yet again, I returned. I needed to fix it somehow.
Don’t be like me. I was scared, and determined to make something work when it wasn’t supposed to. I gave him chance after chance after chance. It took more walk aways for me to get enough courage to walk away and never come back.
He could have physically hurt me and killed me then. The grace of God took care of me then and even now. It hurts to think of how many times I walked away only to return. I not only put my own life in jeopardy, but my children’s lives, too!
However, in that time I started researching things about anger and broken marriages. I began to see that I needed to get away, but I didn’t know how. Over the years I kept ideas in a little notebook at my job. Nobody really knew what I was going through because I was too embarrassed and afraid to tell.
Don’t be like me and allow someone to keep pouring out their anger on you and keep you in cycles. I held myself hostage just as much as he did. Don’t do that to yourself. Find your exit as soon as possible.
There are crisis networks all over. Contact one. Find help, and don’t be too embarrassed or afraid to do it. Do it even if you have to do it scared! I want you to be a survivor! You deserve that!
(Tagged from The National Domestic Violence Hotline Website: Safety Alert: Computer use can be monitored and is impossible to completely clear. If you are afraid your internet usage might be monitored, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−7233 or TTY 1−800−787−3224.)
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