LOST

Before I met him, I was heavy into photography, painting, writing and holistic health. There were many more things I was interested in as well, however these definitely had my heart.

When I think back, I can see where I stopped picking up a paint brush and stopped reading books. I enjoyed reading because it helped me with my writing. However, he would question the books I read and made me feel bad for reading them. So over the years, I stopped reading. Honestly, to this day, I don’t read as much as I used to. I don’t even have the desire to pick up a book and read anymore. It’s not that I don’t want to read, it’s because of what he did that caused me to stop and I still live with that. That’s what narcissist do. They peel away the things that make you the person you are so you are reduced to nothing but their puppet. They want to take what you hold dear and manipulate you into believing something isn’t right with it and you are wrong for enjoying it. It could be anything from friends, family, goals, dreams,hope, ideas, anything that makes you feel good besides them.

You don’t realize it at all. Just little by little another piece of you is gone. It’s been three and a half years since my separation and I am just getting around to enjoying painting again. I can’t say I can sit and be as consistent as I once was, but I am progressing. I have done two paintings this summer with the support of a good friend helping me to get back to things I used to enjoy. Believe me, it wasn’t easy. She connected me with a paint party group and I have slowly but surely regained interest and enjoy putting my brush on the canvas once again. This is definitely an accomplishment, and I will atain more, in due time.

I’m not rushing anything. I know it will take time to heal and regain my love for certain interest, but I am willing to do the work to get there. Just because I left him, doesn’t mean the residue of his abuse goes with him and I go back to everything I loved. I understand that there isn’t a”getting back to me thing”. My life will never be the same from what I have experienced, but I will get better. I am now embracing, healing and allowing myself to grow. It’s not a cake walk, but I am enjoying the process.

Do you recognize who you are when you look in the mirror? If you look at yourself in the mirror and you don’t recognize who is staring back at you, due to someone else’s views inflicted upon you, it’s time for change. I’m here for you. Im not a doctor, or a therapist nor do I claim to be, but I have endured the hardship of being married to a narcissist. Sometimes we just need an ear or a shoulder.

Please feel free to leave a comment or question.