WTF

So, I am pretty sure this was never a top choice for a title for my blog, but hear me out. I straight had a complete breakdown. So the ‘f’ can stand for fudge ‘cause stuff really hit the fan for me.

I have struggled with keeping my house together since the children and I were here on lockdown day and night. I would clean during the week periodically and definitely on the weekends. I felt like this was all I did besides work. It was crazy! Here and there things would kinda sorta come together and I would be ok. However, not long after everything was a total wreck. I blamed myself and my kids, especially the smallest of the small ones for not doing enough or not doing it right or not being consistent with picking up. I decided to give it a rest till I had some time off to really get into it and get it done, children included.

I finally arrived to the week of a break and started my journey to clean. Unfortunately after about five minutes into it I had a complete breakdown. Screams of horror and rage could probably be heard three blocks away as I cried in the kitchen from just being overwhelmed. Everywhere I turned there was something to do. Keep in mind, I have PTSD, which I really believe is C-PTSD, and I just lost my you know what! I cried for about an hour and went to my room. My kids didn’t exactly know what to do or say. I just knew I needed a moment to just stop everything. No phone calls, or anything just some time to deal with my emotions and what was actually going on.

I realized once again I had not realized how stressed I really was. I once again pushed on and on and on. I didn’t take time to cry or get my emotions out so they all came crashing over me all at one time. I sat feeling like WTF, like for real you are too old for this type of behavior! I honestly needed to just let it out and be ok with it. I realized it wasn’t just the house not being clean all of the time but the everyday stresses too. Gettin up, going to work, getting the kids together, feeding them, making sure we had things we needed, so forth and so on. I never asked for help, feeling like my body was able and my children were too, I would dive head first into whatever had to be done.

Hours had gone by and my mother, being the caring and relentless soul she is, started calling people to see if anyone had heard from me. Call after call after call came in and I ignored them all. I thought since I had texted my mother that I was ok, I just needed some time to myself, she would understand. The calls stopped and then there were knocks at the door. I never moved from my room, paralyzed with frustration I didn’t have the motivation to answer. My oldest child went to the door and let in my best friend who came straight to my room and met me where I was broken. She and my other best friend came in and gave me the words I needed to hear. They told me it’s ok to cry and have moments and to ask for help. The last part was the hardest part for me. Ask for help….I realized when I was married, my husband wasn’t much help, so I learned to carry all the loads. I learned to be strong. I learned to do it all. What I should have learned, is that it’s ok to be weak sometimes. That hurt. Nobody wants to be weak, but you have to be in order to receive the help you need.

I feel like we all have been conditioned to only rely on ourselves. That if you want or need things done, you best handle it yourself. That’s not ok. I had to understand that and not be mad at myself or embarrassed that I needed help.

I asked for help and my friends and family were there for me. They didn’t judge me. They just wanted to help me and love me out of my grief. It was so much easier when I let go.

I said all this to say, have your WTF moments! Cry, scream journal….and then ask for help. It’s out there. People care what you are going through and want to see you happy. It’s ok to cry and ask for help. Whatever that help may be, get it….it’s ok!

9 Months….and no baby!

Nine months since I last posted and I wish I could say I was living life in the fast lane or something, but I wasn’t. I was really just maintaining. Finding joy in little things and times I could be outside enjoying fresh air. Let’s be real, we still haven’t been able to do much because Covid is still out here having babies and crap! However, the world is opening up a little and people are getting out again. Only to find a whole war going on and inflation. I am really starting to wonder what is happening to the world we live in. In these nine months, I have been adapting to our world that is forever changed. I have been thinking about the food shortage and should I start growing vegetables in my basement since I don’t know how safe it may be for me to grow them outside with all that is going on. My thoughts have been on surviving, thriving and being intentional. Surviving the interesting yet difficult time and space we are in now. Making windows of enjoyment to thrive daily. Being intentional about all I do and say. Praying to give birth to beautiful things to share with friends and family the best way I know how. As I continue to adjust and learn new things, I am hoping that others are doing the same and refuse to give up. These past two years have been traumatizing and some gave up in the middle of it all. I think we all understand that pain on some level, but we can’t give up or throw in the towel. We have to press on and continue to find the beauty in life and all of its uncertainty. Press forward not only for you and yours, but for those who decided it was too hard.

I’m Back!

I took a little break, friends! Sorry I did this without warning but I was overwhelmed. Working from home, helping the kids with their school work and trying to make sure they were paying attention along with all of my other motherly duties and responsibilities, I had to check out for a moment.

I find it interesting though, because I would always be a bit in my feelings when a favorite Youtuber would take a break and didn’t have any new content. In my head, I was like, “they only doing a little video, how hard is that?” Well it’s hard, I’m sure now that I am on the same end of the stick creating content.

I actually thought about quitting this altogether. Only because I didn’t really see that I was helping anyone. My message isn’t about money or clout, I want women and men to be free from toxic people in relationships. My goal is to shed some light on breaking free and no, it isn’t all peaches and cream when you free yourself. I am still doing work inside of me and noticing things that I need to work on. I realized that I still have more to give and in the long run, it will help many in ways I am sure I may not be able to imagine. So, I am moving forward with making new content.

Let me know in the comments anything you want to talk about or if you have any questions that I can help you with! I will be sharing my journey with boundaries. Something that I’m not really good at but I will be. Having boundaries is important and we will discuss more about this in my next post.

Talk to you all soon!!

Netflix and Chill?

Whyyyy, why is this the vibe now? I mean this was going on before the pandemic, but I just want to know why we are so far away from actually dating?!

Like, after my divorce this is all I have been approached with. Dudes wanna come by and chill and wanna eat and watch a movie. So, we don’t meet up and share something out in public anymore?! I mean, I get that we have been in a pandemic, but is this it?!

Let’s talk about it!! Are you all experiencing the same thing?

Leave me some comments!!

Don’t Be So Hard On Yourself

I must be honest, I didn’t take a vacation or anything, I just lost the will to write. Not that I didn’t want to, I just didn’t have the drive for it.

We have been in this pandemic for a long period of time….over a year to be exact. During this time I have realized that I had a hard time trying to help others when I was struggling myself.

I was struggling with my kids being homeschooled through the computer, working from home, and just being at home. Sometimes the walks didn’t help. Or finding something that I was interested in, didn’t help either. Sometimes it’s not that easy to just pick yourself up. I had to look at where I was and allow myself to feel and recognize what I was feeling.

I was frustrated that my kids were not as focused as they should be on learning. I was frustrated they seemed to be behind. I was frustrated that I had to be everything at home. I wasn’t sure how to help my children navigate this time in our lives. This dragged me down on a daily basis. I wanted to be angry that they weren’t putting their all into school and that the house was constantly a mess and my whole day was nonstop.

I know, I told you all I was meditating and walking and I am officially over that for the moment. I had to take the time to feel the pressure. Not only that, but let my children feel too.

I came to realize that it’s ok for the house not to be clean everyday, that we all learn and are navigating this pandemic differently. I’m not the perfect parent. I don’t always make balanced meals. Sometimes I forget to do homework with my children because I just need to breathe, and so do they.

I said all this to say, I’m still learning. I can’t always walk off the pain and get to a happy place. Sometimes, I need to feel it and acknowledge it. Don’t be so hard on yourself, I bring that to mind often. I hope you are telling yourself the same thing. Remember, self care isn’t just about bubbles and wine, its definitely acknowledging what you are feeling and being ok with it.

Lessons

So, here we are, a whole month in to 2021! I waited a bit to post just because, I wanted to walk around a bit in the quiet of the new year.

We have a lot or a few expectations when a new year arrives. We, at times like this, will put quite a few demands on ourselves. This year, I decided to sharpen my focus.

I was on Tic Toc the other day when a post from @iamtabithanrown, that got my full attention. If you don’t know anything about Tabitha Brown, just know, she is that auntie that you can run to when you just need to talk and she will speak to you out of wisdom, and not frustration.

So, in her post she said, “Stop trying to fix something / someone you didn’t break.” This made me look back at my marriage and how I tried so hard to fix him. All he did was feed of my desire to help and determination to make him better. Truth of the matter is that he was broken when he targeted me. Since I am an empath, I always felt the need to fix him when something was wrong.

When something or someone is broken, but still kinda works, it operates out of dysfunction. In some instances, you have to analyze if this is your battle to fight. In most scenarios, it isn’t. That’s what we fight with. If the person or thing is bleeding you dry while you are putting forth so much effort to fix or help, it isn’t worth it. You don’t need to sacrifice your well being in order to help.

If helping takes away your peace, joy or any that you need to survive and thrive, it cost too much. We can’t be willing to sacrifice our own sanity to save someone or something that was broken when we found it or it found us.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s one thing, to help someone and they are receptive and they carry on and do better. However it’s something else to put your all into someone to help them and all you are doing is draining yourself and feeding their desire to bleed you dry.

Looking back, I now walk circumspectly and choose carefully who and what I give my time and energy to. I have to preserve what is precious to me, that is caring for my wellbeing. Choose well and walk carefully this year. Notice, who and what is broken and if it is in your power to fix it. If it isn’t, keep moving on.

Holiday

This has been a holiday like no other! Can’t say that I have been in the holiday mood or anything. I really feel that Covid has killed a lot of holiday joy. I haven’t hit rock bottom, but with PTSD, I can say I have been more stressed out and in need of more time to meditate.

I enjoyed decorating, and lighting my Bath and Body Works candles, which generally brings about a happy mood for me. The smell of the candles relax me a bit and just changes the atmosphere. I did play a bit of holiday music and that was nice for a little bit. I have also watched a crap load of Christmas movies. I prefer the comedies, but this year I did spend some time watching some of the Hallmark movies and I didn’t hate it. Some movies were a bit predictable but some surprised me. The decorations on these movies are amazing, but I always think about having to pack all of that stuff up and storing it. It makes me just want to do the minimal amount of decorating, which I do each year.

Now that Christmas is over and we are heading into the new year. I have felt the need to focus on some things. I am not one to make new year resolutions, but I am planning to make some changes for the better as the new year comes in. First, my doctor wants me to lose a few pounds and I haven’t been focused on that much due to the Covid situation. I just want to avoid the germs. So I decided to join Green Chef for a few weeks to help me better meal plan and cook things that are healthy for my children and I. I hope that eating better will help with weight loss and feeding my body what it needs instead of the chips and ice cream I could always eat for dinner. Second, my doctor would like me to exercise more. I am not good with exercising at home at all. The cold weather doesn’t help either. I like to go walking but, I will not do it when it is cold out. So, I joined a group with friends to do 50 squats a day to benefit the March of Dimes. Yes, I had to attach getting some daily exercise with a good cause. It will be my motivation knowing I am helping someone else besides myself.

I am walking through this holiday season holding on to joy and hope with a bit of a plan. Nothing too crazy! No super high expectations for myself, just a few changes for the better at a time. Like choosing joy to carry with me. Not being upset with myself if I don’t have a great day. Just finding one good thing that may have happened in the midst of it, which could be something that we all could at times take for granted, like breathing.

The holidays can be rough, but choose to do a little something to boost your mood each day. Do something that makes you happy. Your house doesn’t have to scream with holiday cheer, but if you mustered up enough enthusiasm to just hang up some lights and a few knick-knacks, be proud of yourself!

Narcissist and Love

I have always wondered how some people could marry for money or status. I can’t fake love, but many people do, especially a narcissist.

Believe it or not, the man I married was just a figment of my imagination. He pretended to be this sweet guy that was kind, considerate and protective. I had no idea of the evil that lurked beneath.

I am an empath, and narcissist love empathetic people. We are people who feel others emotions, very sensitive to how others are feeling and will take on their pain, frustration, anger, I’m sure you get it. We are also very giving and caring. This is why a narcissist targets an empath. They are needy and we are always willing to help and lend a shoulder. They test out how far they can get a person to abandon themselves in order to take advantage and control that particular individual. They don’t love their partner, they are only in love with their agenda, whatever that may be. When they have gotten all they want, they will leave.

Never be confused about them actually caring for you. You are a posession to them. Nothing more. When you own something, you do with it what you want. This is what a narcissist does everyday in a very cunning way. They learn how to read you by your actions and manipulate all situations. While you are falling in love, they are gaining power from being able to control you. Not only that, they feed off of your fears of them, and watching you crash and burn. They don’t care about destroying someone’s life at all. They are willing to suck the very life out of you and watch you die, then claim to be the victim or play the role of the grieving partner who never loved you in the first place.

A relationship with them is toxic. When you notice the attributes, do not try to fix them. They cannot and will not be fixed. You can’t love them out of their agenda. You are just a pawn to them. Get as far away from them as possible. They don’t like to be left before they can attain whatever it is that they want. They will hover over you, beg, plead, cry, become angry, harass, and or stalk you just to get you back into their clutches. My ex-husband did all of these things to me and more! Never go back, their intentions will never change no matter how many times they tell you they will. It’s just another lie to get you to conform.

What’s Been Up?

It’s been a while since I have posted. I am pretty sure I said this in the last post as well, but just walk with me. Lol…There has been so much going on lately. I recently had my meds updated. I had to do an online doctor’s appointment and it was interesting. Like I literally had to wait for her like I was in a physical waiting room for like 15 minutes, then had to rehash why I was on Prozac. So digging up those memories didn’t feel good, but it had to be done.

One thing to know about me, is that I am into herbal medicine. I love natural remedies and products. However, when I was diagnosed and began this journey with PTSD, I just wanted to feel normal again and I was good with the doctor prescribing Prozac. Before the Prozac, I had gotten to a point where I couldn’t work because of my anxiety. There were times I would break down at work and behind the wheel of my car, while driving. I couldn’t control it. I felt weak and all I wanted was to be able to be myself again. As I was talking to the doctor to get my meds updated, I wanted to tell her that I wanted to try a more natural way to deal with my anxiety. I didn’t, because honestly….she had not seen me in person and I wanted to feel comfortable requesting something that required her knowing a little more about me personally. I wanted her to be confident in the decision to change my meds to something more natural. Being as though our lives have been shifted due to COVID-19, it’s not as easy to switch up on some things that need to be carefully monitored. I can’t just stop taking Prozac. It is indeed one of those medications that will cause a negative effect if I am not taken off of it properly. So I have to be careful and patient till I am able to make that transition safely.

I want to try CBD oil, but I need it to be just as effective as the Prozac, if not better. That or “gummies” , I feel will be a more natural way of controlling my anxiety. Are you currently taking something to control your anxiety? How is that working for you?

Pain and the Opposite Sex

Whether it is physical, emotional, or mental, it hurts. I thought that when I left my significant other, that the pain would melt away, that I would be free from the anguish that I endured with him. Funny thing is that, the pain turns up in different ways after it’s over.

In the course of ending something, you anticipate something new and beautiful on the horizon. Unfortunately, it doesn’t always go down that way. To be honest, in my experience, I ran into a few f<*boys. Now most of us know what they are, but my definition is a guy or girl that play mental games with you to get what they want from you. Yes, definitely a character trait of a narcissist! So I was approached by a few guys that I did entertain because I was in a very vulnerable state. Let’s be honest, when leaving a horrible relationship, you don’t even realize that the new attention you are getting is toxic. Men can see when a woman is going through and needs a shoulder or an ear. They know the right things to say to make you feel good. From there they make their move to get the “cookies” in most cases. It’s like a person being robbed and left for dead and then the person you think that has come to help, just comes to run through the person’s pockets. Sad but true. You can’t change a booty chaser to a dedicated partner. A person has to has to want to change their initial desires towards you. Please understand that it doesn’t matter how beautiful or handsome you are or how interesting and intelligent you are. Those things do not change a person’s agenda towards you or anyone else. Certainly, don’t believe the hype of a good word out of their mouth before you see some consistency for a good amount of time. Normally after about three months, they get tired of faking the funk. In some cases, they will bail and give false accusations towards you within the first two weeks if they don’t get that new notch on their belt. Let them go!! Think about yourself and your needs and not about what they want. I have had a guy tell me a bunch of sweet nothings and empty promises only to eventually get angry with me and accuse me of not being open to his advances that could possibly lead to a relationship if I just got on board with his plan. I was hurt. I started to believe that this was all men saw in me. Which I had to go back and tell myself that I wasn’t the problem. People will only do to you what you allow them to. Don’t allow them to inflict or project their thoughts or perceptions on you and make you feel like you are wrong for not giving them what they want from you.

On the other side of the coin, you may meet someone who is genuinely into you. They are nice and you may take a liking to them, but you spend a lot of time over analyzing everything they do and say. I know I have. I’m not in a relationship currently, but I have met a nice guy here and there and realized that I analyze everything. I look at if they have a high sexual appetite, if they only talk about sex, if they hop from job to job, if they only talk to me during certain hours of the day. This can be legitimate. You should always take notice of patterns, habits things said and unsaid, but not to the point that it becomes obsessive. If your whole day reflects you studying that person’s every single move, then you need to take a step back. Don’t put yourself in another position of pain by spending your valuable time trying to break someone down to study every single part of them. You have to think of you and how this affects you. I have learned to ask a lot of deep questions. More than like what is his favorite color or food. Things like, “What pisses you off, and who is an instrumental person in your life and why.” Questions like this set a tone that you are looking past the surface. When questions are too deep, those with motives that don’t serve you should run the other way. They may always be busy or take longer responding to text. They may just flat out ghost you! No worries, that is what they should do! Don’t hurt yourself trying to get their attention no matter how good looking he or she is or how bad you want them. Definitely not worth the aggravation to force something that isn’t meant to be, even if you think it will be beautiful.

I am a Pisces, and we are daydreamers. We want to see the best in everyone and everything. Don’t get lost in a dream world with someone who never showed you they wanted to be there in the capacity you see them in. People want relationships for different reasons. Some want sexual relationships, some want monetary relationships, you name it, they want it! It doesn’t have to come from you. Don’t let their wish list become your downfall. Don’t disregard flags at all! Take everything into consideration. You are navigating a new territory and you have to look after yourself and your needs first. This isn’t selfish as long as you aren’t turning the tables for someone to meet your explicit demands. Everything you need and desire should be within reason. Don’t hurt the person who could possibly be the one to love you.