Conversations With Lotus

Temperature Check

So, how is it going? I haven’t been as consistent with blogging as I would like.

Life has been happening. My children have returned to school virtually and I am also working from home. I had to get things in order to make a good, comfortable work space for all of us. Gone are the days I could work in my robe, I have to put clothes on and comb my hair! I’m sure you understand.

It has been interesting to say the least as I multitask through the day. Working with my first grader and making sure my sixth grader is focused, while I am working and running the dishwasher or washing clothes has been crazy! I’m really trying to get a pattern down so that there is some consistency to our day.

Within the first week I noticed we needed some down time. I realized that I was getting stressed out and needed to do something about it since I have PTSD.

If you are like me, being a mom doesn’t stop. Where I once worked in my own space, and my kids went to school, we are all together all the time. To cut down on the frustration, we take walks, exercise, watch a family movie or listen to calming music with our eyes closed.

It’s important to take breaks for your sanity! You need it. Do a few things during the day to take care of you. I usually go upstairs 20 minutes before their bedtime, just to get a jump start on some personal time. I don’t use this time to plan for the next day or anything like that. I just relax and do something that makes me feel good. This gives my children a chance to do something without me hovering but not enough time to get crazy. Generally they are watching something they enjoy while I unwind a bit.

During this time it is important to take care of your mental health. COVID-19 has turned our lives around in ways we have never imagined. With that being said, we have all been making things happen and getting things done. Which, in most cases means we haven’t really taken the time to smell the flowers or look at the clouds.

What are some things you are doing to cope while we are all navigating this change together?

LOST

Before I met him, I was heavy into photography, painting, writing and holistic health. There were many more things I was interested in as well, however these definitely had my heart.

When I think back, I can see where I stopped picking up a paint brush and stopped reading books. I enjoyed reading because it helped me with my writing. However, he would question the books I read and made me feel bad for reading them. So over the years, I stopped reading. Honestly, to this day, I don’t read as much as I used to. I don’t even have the desire to pick up a book and read anymore. It’s not that I don’t want to read, it’s because of what he did that caused me to stop and I still live with that. That’s what narcissist do. They peel away the things that make you the person you are so you are reduced to nothing but their puppet. They want to take what you hold dear and manipulate you into believing something isn’t right with it and you are wrong for enjoying it. It could be anything from friends, family, goals, dreams,hope, ideas, anything that makes you feel good besides them.

You don’t realize it at all. Just little by little another piece of you is gone. It’s been three and a half years since my separation and I am just getting around to enjoying painting again. I can’t say I can sit and be as consistent as I once was, but I am progressing. I have done two paintings this summer with the support of a good friend helping me to get back to things I used to enjoy. Believe me, it wasn’t easy. She connected me with a paint party group and I have slowly but surely regained interest and enjoy putting my brush on the canvas once again. This is definitely an accomplishment, and I will atain more, in due time.

I’m not rushing anything. I know it will take time to heal and regain my love for certain interest, but I am willing to do the work to get there. Just because I left him, doesn’t mean the residue of his abuse goes with him and I go back to everything I loved. I understand that there isn’t a”getting back to me thing”. My life will never be the same from what I have experienced, but I will get better. I am now embracing, healing and allowing myself to grow. It’s not a cake walk, but I am enjoying the process.

Do you recognize who you are when you look in the mirror? If you look at yourself in the mirror and you don’t recognize who is staring back at you, due to someone else’s views inflicted upon you, it’s time for change. I’m here for you. Im not a doctor, or a therapist nor do I claim to be, but I have endured the hardship of being married to a narcissist. Sometimes we just need an ear or a shoulder.

Please feel free to leave a comment or question.

Narcissist

A word that is linked to so many different behaviors in which no one should accept.

This has been the hardest post to write and I was trying to figure out why it was so difficult. There is not just one thing a narcissist does, that is why this is so hard. So trying to just sum it up in one post, just won’t do.

I married a narcissist. Marrying a narcissist is like marrying Dr.Jekel and Mr.Hyde. When you meet them, they are cool and cordial. Thoughtful and kind. They are very suave. It’s their bait tactic. Once you are hooked, they start to switch up.

My ex-husband was smooth. He said things to me no other man said and noticed things other men didn’t. That was how he baited me in, amongst other things. Everything moved so fast, and within a year I was married, ready to birth my first child. Narcissist like to move quickly. They lovebomb you into believing their every thought, word and action. It’s like being bewitched. Before you know it, they have turned into another person. No longer complimenting or being sweet.

They have taken on a whole new personality that you never saw coming. I can remember walking on eggshells when I came home from work because I never knew what kind of mood he would be in when I got home. I found myself trying to put what I wanted to say together with careful thought so I wouldn’t agitate him. Everything I did, moved to making sure I pleased him which was never enough. Over time losing myself because I was so invested in making things work between us.

One day I was lying on the couch after we had an argument and I started to read some uplifting words to help me cope. I don’t exactly remember what I read, but I remember sitting up and saying something to him like, “I lost myself.” He was quick to say, “That’s fine because we are married.” He was fine with me not knowing or recognizing who I was anymore. I was easier to control and manipulate that way. Anyone who is ok with you not being yourself or losing who you are is toxic.

I never saw this coming. He pretended to be what I wanted and needed in a husband only to berate me and have me so caught up that he could do whatever he wanted.

Narcissist are calculating and cold. Be careful who you open up to. I thought my life was just picking up and moving forward to a great chapter. It made me think of stories I heard of…. whimsical romances, and I thought that was now my life…my story, only to find it more like a nightmare.

I will be talking much more about narcissistic behavior. Because it is such an overwhelming topic, I will be doing a little at a time. I will be introducing some of the vocabulary used to identify behaviors so you can better tell where you are within your relationships. Narcissistic behavior is not just limited to your intimate partner. They can be parents, co-workers, bosses and the like. Let me know in the comments what you have seen or been through, that you have realized is narcissistic behavior.

As always, looking forward to conversing with you!

Your Thoughts…

We have been talking a lot about getting away from toxic people, namely significant others. I’m sure if you are in a situation or have been, you have so many racing thoughts.

I can say from my personal experience, my thoughts ranged from trying to make it work, staying positive, figuring out when or how I was going to leave, being there for my kids and a host of other everyday things. I could list it all, but there isn’t enough space or time. I once read that a women’s mind is like a computer with all the tabs open, or something like that. I’m sure you get it. Unfortunately, it’s not easy to just shut it off. We can’t just wash that person and the issues out of our hair like Lizzo says in her song, which I love, but it’s definitely not that easy.

There comes a time where you have to sit down and manage your thoughts so they don’t have you somewhere you never thought you would be. A lot of times, we are so conditioned to work through stuff because we have been told to bounce back and we are resilient. We focus so much on being strong and independent that we forget we are human. We are allowed to feel, and not to ignore or push our feelings away. You have to deal with your thoughts by first acknowledging them then doing something about it if it is possible.

There are different ways to do this and I believe they all work. I have used a combination of these to get where I am now. Am I done and healed? No, I’m still progressing, moving forward but I’m not where I used to be.

Journaling is helpful. Doing it daily is what makes a difference. Write down what hurts, what bothers you, what keeps you breathing, what makes you happy. Create a balance so you can see that happiness still exist in you and that you can conquer your difficulties with a plan. You can also read some self help books. There are so many available, choose what speaks to you. In addition to that, you can watch YouTube videos that will help you as well. I personally watched a lot of Derrick Jaxn videos to help me see that I was on the right path. I needed to hear from a man that what I was dealing with was not what I needed or deserved. Last but certainly not least is getting therapy. Yes, I said it and it’s ok. I realized that I needed therapy when I began having anxiety attacks and they became more and more frequent. It was my thoughts that I had not dealt with. I surpressed them so I could be strong for my kids. So I never really dealt with the haunting thoughts and feelings. I was the bag lady for real carrying all my issues like Erykah Badu said. I eventually broke down and went to therapy. A dear friend of mine shared someone she spoke very highly of to help me process and that she did. When my therapist met me, I was afraid to walk outside because of thoughts that I would have an anxiety attack. The very first day she put things in place for me to get myself together. She cared about my well being and saw to it that I made progress. It wasn’t about a check for her. She listened to me and gave me the tools I needed to move forward. She even got me on medication to help with my anxiety so I could deal with my thoughts. I never wanted to be on medication, but it helped me. I had to do the work to get back to me.

Now please understand that this does not mean that I never had bad days where my thoughts had me down. It happens. You are going to have a bad day here and there. The key and goal is to not stay there. Do something to that makes you feel good to help brighten your day. I love music and watching funny videos. Sometimes it helps, and sometimes, not so much. However, I have taught myself when I get up, it’s a new day and, I can make it. Don’t wallow, get up and love on yourself.

Take the time to deal with your thoughts and emotions by any means necessary. You deserve to live, love and thrive, not just survive out here. Take your power back for you. You need it before anyone else. Control those thoughts so they don’t control you. Think on things that are above. For those who believe in God, you know exactly what I mean by that. Prayer helps considerably. Having a support system with the same beliefs, helps.

Let me know in the comments how you are doing. How are you processing? What do you think of this site? Do you find it helpful? Do you have any other ideas that would help someone else? I would love to hear from you! You may even comment anonymously if you would like. This is a no judgement zone. I’m looking forward to sharing good vibes and conversations with you! Ttys – Lotus❤

Oops, I Did it AGAIN!!

I walked away several times in my 8 years of marriage. I was determined to make it work. I was invested. Truth be told, after 2 years in, I knew I was in the wrong place.

I will never forget when I realized how much of a mess I was really in. I was at my mother’s house and she was talking to a relative of ours explaining how a good friend of hers was about to get married. Needless to say, the lady did not have her friend’s best interest at heart. She was out to get hers and everything she said I could relate to. It was as if her friend was living my life and not only that, but was marrying her that very same day.

I had never felt the need to tell someone not to get married till this particular day. My heart raced and I just felt sick for her friend and myself. Although at this point, I felt as though I was in too deep and he still had a way out. I wrestled with so many thoughts that day.

However, I trudged through and pressed on. Walking away, only to return several times to my own mess. I walked away when he cursed me out for buying him one of his favorite candies when he was on a diet. I thought I was being nice and treating him to a little something. He threw them at me. Another time, he threatened to kill himself, me and our child as he jacked me up because he was angry with me about something we were discussing. One day we actually sat down to try to work things out over dinner as a family member mediated. We discussed counseling amongst other things which he refused and only wanted things done on his terms. I got up from the table, realizing the conversation was going nowhere, and walked out of the restaurant. I called a relative of mine to come get me. Did I mention I was at least 5 months pregnant with our second child, at the time?! He didn’t even come after me. When he finally got home, he never apologized or anything.

You would think I would have had enough and walked away for good. I didn’t. I wanted to try to save my marriage.

In retrospect, and even then I knew I should have walked away and never returned. This is why I can confidently tell you to walk away and never look back, because I lived it. I offered suggestions on my last post showing you what I discovered to help me.

Chile, I walked away so many times it was ridiculous! This one other time, he was angry and yelling at me for being on my phone. He said I was being sneaky. I got scared as he was yelling so I called my pastor to be a witness as to what was heard. He chased me up the stairs and held me against my will as I tried to leave through the back door. My child was watching me trying to break free as I was holding the phone screaming. He let me go and held my child away from me so I wouldn’t leave. I ran around the block trying to get to my car crying. A neighbor looked on and yelled from her porch that she knew my look of panic all to well and told me to be safe. I cried even harder. I got to the car and made arrangements to stay in a hotel. It was such a hard night. I wanted my child with me. It was painful. Yet again, I returned. I needed to fix it somehow.

Don’t be like me. I was scared, and determined to make something work when it wasn’t supposed to. I gave him chance after chance after chance. It took more walk aways for me to get enough courage to walk away and never come back.

He could have physically hurt me and killed me then. The grace of God took care of me then and even now. It hurts to think of how many times I walked away only to return. I not only put my own life in jeopardy, but my children’s lives, too!

However, in that time I started researching things about anger and broken marriages. I began to see that I needed to get away, but I didn’t know how. Over the years I kept ideas in a little notebook at my job. Nobody really knew what I was going through because I was too embarrassed and afraid to tell.

Don’t be like me and allow someone to keep pouring out their anger on you and keep you in cycles. I held myself hostage just as much as he did. Don’t do that to yourself. Find your exit as soon as possible.

There are crisis networks all over. Contact one. Find help, and don’t be too embarrassed or afraid to do it. Do it even if you have to do it scared! I want you to be a survivor! You deserve that!

(Tagged from The National Domestic Violence Hotline Website: Safety Alert: Computer use can be monitored and is impossible to completely clear. If you are afraid your internet usage might be monitored, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−7233 or TTY 1−800−787−3224.)

Walk Away?!?

These words may make you cringe. Truthfully, it’s one of the best things you can do for your own sanity. No matter your situation, you can do this. People change when they can’t control you. They may go to the extremes to get you back or try to hurt you because you don’t want to be with them anymore. Here are a few ideas of things you may want to do to protect yourself and family.

Planning is key. Having an order to what you intend to do makes things move a whole lot smoother. However, you may end up in a place where you just have to leave right then and there. You need to make sure you have a safe place to go.

I cannot stress that enough. Having a place that you can go, that the person you are parting from doesn’t know about is highly recommended. You don’t want them to assume where you are, and show up there. With these days and times that we are living in, many are working from home since most businesses are closed or have very few staff members who clock in daily due to coronavirus. Use this to your advantage. If you have the choice of not going into your building where you work, that will be great. If you have to go into your building, ask your manager to change your schedule to something that will keep them from showing up at your job. If need be, get a transfer to another building. Now, look before you leap and make sure you aren’t being followed or traced. This is a good time to upgrade your phone or get a phone that you can use that they don’t know about. Turn your regular phone off. Only use your new phone to make calls. Be sure to check the area where you are staying to see if any cars look familiar. Yes, you must stay aware of your surroundings. You may want to have something with you for protection or take a self defense class. You may be able to find self defence classes on YouTube. Sometimes you are the first line of defence. I can remember watching the news or listening to the radio hearing about how someone was murdered due to domestic violence. Please do what you need to do to protect yourself. You cannot rely on the police to always help or be there. Sometimes, restraining orders do not help. Protect yourself at all cost.

Saving money can also be helpful. Having a kitty or stash is great to help with moving or sustaining you through your transition. Since most children aren’t going right back to school, you can use their uniform / school clothes money towards whatever you need to do to make ends meet. Make sure you keep your stash where only you know where it is. You want to be able to have what you need when it’s time to go.

With that being said, put important documents, like your kids birth certificates, shot records, thing like that in a place where you can grab them quickly when you need them.

Try your best not to frequent any known areas. If you have to go out to work, drive a different way. Get your groceries delivered. Even your medication can be delivered or you can pick up curbside.

These are just a few suggestions. You may or may not need to use some of these ideas. As long as you are doing whatever you need to do to be safe and free is what matters. If you feel this is a hard decision because you have invested time, years, prayer, think about what your family or kids see. If it isn’t a relationship that someone wouldn’t want to emulate, then you know what you need to do. Sometimes we wait for signs, to say go. If there is more negative energy than positive on the regular, you know what you need to do.

Have and work your support system. These are friends and family members that will be on the front lines with you through your journey. They will be there on your rough and tough days. You will need them. They will help you keep your head up. We all need someone to lean on.

Last but not least, you have to be methodical. You have to be brave. Believe it or not, you are these things and more!

Didn’t See It

So, when I met my ex-husband, we were in the company of friends. He expressed his interest to a good friend of mine and told her to give me his number.

He was cool. We had a good conversation and followed it up with a few dates. I really cared about him. He made me happy. Which should have been a sign. I should have been happy with or without him.

Another sign was how much he called or texted when we weren’t together. There were always multiple calls or text messages or a combination of the two. More than just checking in. More like keeping my attention while I wasn’t with him. I didn’t see this then, but I see it now.

Sometimes we don’t see what signs are in front of us. We want to see the good in everyone. There’s nothing wrong with that but we have to also be mindful about how it affects us. Are we allowing someone to control us, lowkey? Are we opening ourselves up to manipulation? Is this really caring or keeping tabs? These are things we have to look at to protect not only our hearts but our minds, too.

Know that it’s ok to ask yourself questions and don’t dismiss certain actions or categorize them as something they aren’t.

If you recognize a behavior that is questionable, speak up about it. If you are afraid to ask about it for one reason or another, walk away. If someone knows you won’t speak up about what they have done to you, they will continue to do it and will do other things to you as well. It feels good to them. That’s not love. It’s manipulation and control. It’s not healthy.

If the response you get for addressing the behavior doesn’t sit well, or they spin that back on you as if you caused the behavior, walk away. This person has no intention of fixing the problem. A person who truly cares fixes the problem. They don’t down play it or shift the blame. Blame shifting is gaslighting. Meaning, they are blaming you, for the way they treat you. This is bullsh#t at it’s finest. You will find yourself in a sunken place by allowing these behaviors to continue.

Know that it’s ok to walk away, even if it hurts. You aren’t being too sensitive or too analytical. You are protecting your peace.

Hey, You’re Here!

Thanks for taking the time to visit my site! We may or may not have some things in common, but I am sure we can learn a lot from one another.

If you know anything about a lotus flower, you know that it grows through muck and still becomes a beautiful flower. I started “Conversations With Lotus” to share my experiences through abuse and divorce. Abuse doesn’t choose a specific person. It doesn’t stick to a certain race, creed, kind or age group. It lives in the hearts and minds of people that it has under its control.

I hope to enlighten, unveil , help and hold the hands of those who have experienced some of the things I have. This is not a guide or any type of life hack. This blog will help us discover abuse in its many forms. It will offer help and connections with others, as well as myself, to help us get through the muck. There is comfort in unity.

I hope that you will tune into my blog on a regular basis. We all need a bit of encouragement to make it through. With that being said, this in not a space for belittling, judging and being a cyber bully. This is a place where we can bring our broken pieces and help one another through our life experiences.

I can’t wait to connect with you soon!!

Introduce Yourself (Example Post)

This is an example post, originally published as part of Blogging University. Enroll in one of our ten programs, and start your blog right.

You’re going to publish a post today. Don’t worry about how your blog looks. Don’t worry if you haven’t given it a name yet, or you’re feeling overwhelmed. Just click the “New Post” button, and tell us why you’re here.

Why do this?

Because it gives new readers context. What are you about? Why should they read your blog?
Because it will help you focus your own ideas about your blog and what you’d like to do with it.

The post can be short or long, a personal intro to your life or a bloggy mission statement, a manifesto for the future or a simple outline of your the types of things you hope to publish.

To help you get started, here are a few questions:

Why are you blogging publicly, rather than keeping a personal journal?
What topics do you think you’ll write about?
Who would you love to connect with via your blog?
If you blog successfully throughout the next year, what would you hope to have accomplished?

You’re not locked into any of this; one of the wonderful things about blogs is how they constantly evolve as we learn, grow, and interact with one another — but it’s good to know where and why you started, and articulating your goals may just give you a few other post ideas.

Can’t think how to get started? Just write the first thing that pops into your head. Anne Lamott, author of a book on writing we love, says that you need to give yourself permission to write a “crappy first draft”. Anne makes a great point — just start writing, and worry about editing it later.

When you’re ready to publish, give your post three to five tags that describe your blog’s focus — writing, photography, fiction, parenting, food, cars, movies, sports, whatever. These tags will help others who care about your topics find you in the Reader. Make sure one of the tags is “zerotohero,” so other new bloggers can find you, too.